The Radiant Garden Files
by tifafenrir09
Summary: Based on the Organization XIII comics by Psycrowe, this is a collection of stories starring the residents of Radiant Garden
1. Volume 1

**The Radiant Garden Files Volume 1**

**Mission Paine**

Leon dashed around holding a toy gun. "Hey, Paine!" he called.

"What is it, Le-?" she began as he fired at her. The dart hit between her eyes.

"You know what they say; X marks the spot!" he laughed. Paine growled at him. "Uh-oh..." Leon squeaked.

Five minutes later, Aerith was bandaging him up. "Why do **I** have to do this?" she demanded.

* * *

**The Cloud Problem**

Cloud was in the kitchen with his swords around him. "That's frightening." Aerith blinked.

"I'm amazed he still has all of his fingers." Paine nodded.

"You've got dirt on your face!" a woman laughed.

"Heh, you've got a sword in your face!" he cackled as a sword plunged into her.

"Yay! I'm Level 15 now!" cheered Rikku.

"Hey Cloud, can I-?" a man began.

"NO!" Cloud yelled, a sword plunging into the man.

"Now I'm Level 11! Woohoo!" Rikku cheered.

"OW! I just wanted a grape, you selfish son of a bitch!" yelled Sora, running off with a bleeding finger.

"No fruit for you!" Cloud snapped.

"Can someone get me down from here please?" Tifa called.

"In a min-ute, Tifa!" grinned Sora.

"Cut the paper, not the others!" Merlin ordered as he handed Cloud scissors and paper.

10 minutes later, Cloud was busy with craftwork. "I miss my First Tsurugi..." he sighed.

"My bloody flowers!" screamed Kairi.

"Interesting..." Yuna began, studying a piece of his work.

* * *

**He's Nucking Futs**

Cloud was running around laughing his head off, holding the scissors incorrectly. "PRINCESSES!" he giggled.

"You freak." Leon muttered. Disaster struck. Cloud cut him between the eyes. Leon inspected the bandage Merlin had bought him. "If you weren't letting us use your house as a base I'd shoot you until you were dead, then I'd shoot you some more." he announced.

"I think it's quite nice." Rikku smiled.

Cloud had a sign on his back. Paine and Riku looked at it. It said _"Caution. I will stab you."_ "That's subtle." Paine blinked.

Meanwhile, Sora used fire magic on a steak. "Here you go, well done like usual, Paine." he smiled, handing Paine the plate.

"DAMNIT! That steak cost me 900 munny, you moron!" she screeched.

* * *

**Merlin Report**

Leon read a report. He looked at what appeared to be the surname of Merlin which looked like the name of the leader of Organization XIII. "Xamsen?...Snamex?...Maxnes?" he wondered. Suddenly, he realised. He sniggered and burst out laughing. "MANSEX!" he screeched. Later, Leon spotted something Merlin had written. He doodled on the paper "I R BAD! SPANK ME HARD!" changing the surname Xemnas to Mansex. When Merlin found it 5 minutes later, he was horrified.

* * *

**Damn X's**

"Hey, Mansex!" Leon called.

"Call me that again and I'll-" Merlin began.

"And you'll what, Mansex?" he giggled. "Eep!" he squeaked when Merlin grabbed him. He kissed him. Leon looked disgusted. It sank in. "AUGHHHHHHH!" he screamed. Merlin looked smug. Leon drank a lot of mouthwash. He cried.

"Who turned out the lights?" a bottle joked.

The next day, Leon went to see Merlin. "My, my, Leon. You smell minty fresh today." Merlin smiled as Leon began to speak. Feeling physically sick, Leon ran off. Merlin smiled.


	2. Volume 2

**The Radiant Garden Files Volume 2**

**The Nutcracker**

"Hey Cloud. Watch me crack this nut!" Leon grinned.

"Do I have to?" Cloud sighed. Leon banged his head against the nut. It failed. "Heh. It looks like you did a better job at cracking your skull." Cloud chuckled.

Leon looked determined. He banged his head against the nut several times until it finally cracked. He looked like he had a concussion.

"And you wonder why we call you stupid..." Cloud muttered. Leon fainted. Taking his chance, Cloud took the nut and ate it.

* * *

**Missing Bandage**

Merlin was writing a report. Leon and Cloud snuck up behind him, pulled his hat over his eyes and ran off. "What the **hell** was that?" he gasped. 5 minutes later, he was looking for Rikku. "Rikku, I need you for a moment..." he called. "Oh, there's the ban...dage." he began his voice trailing off. He looked horrified seeing she was wearing a flower patterned bikini with the bandage. "I **refuse** to ask about this..." he announced, slowly backing away. He left.

"Is he gone?" Naminé asked.

"Yup." Rikku nodded.

* * *

**Frilly Unmentionables**

Leon, Cloud and Kairi were having drinks together. "Hey, what's this?" Leon asked, spotting something on the floor.

"I dunno. A handkerchief?" Cloud replied.

"A dust rag? Though that's the prettiest one I've ever seen..." Kairi suggested.

Leon had an idea. "It's a pirate hat!" he laughed, putting it on his head. "Arrrrrr, bitches!" he growled. Cloud and Kairi laughed.

Suddenly a shuriken was flying towards him. Yuffie stormed over to him. "Touch these again and next time my aim will be lower!" she snarled.

"Um...okay..." Kairi began as Yuffie walked away.

"Good thing we're only video game characters!" Cloud chuckled. Kairi giggled. "Or else, you know...You'd be dead." he added. She ran off to be sick.

"Man, what a lightweight." Leon sighed.

"What a waste of Sake." Cloud agreed.

* * *

**Flower Power**

Leon and Cloud were chatting. "So I say to the guy...AS IF! And then I shot him." Leon grinned. Rikku stood behind them in her barely there bikini waving. Leon turned to her. "GAH!" he cried, blood coming out of his nose, as he saw what she was doing. Cloud slumped on the table. Leon fainted.

"Yatta!" Rikku cheered.

Looking at Leon, Cloud sat up. He turned to her. She waved hoping for the same result. "**Goddamnit, Rikku!** What the hell is the matter with you?" Cloud yelled.

"Curses..." she muttered, storming off.

"Dancing flower...make it stop..." wailed Leon.

* * *

**Party Time!**

At a party, Tifa danced to the music. Sora decided to join in. Spotting Tifa and Sora dancing, Leon started to dance too. Cloud watched the three and joined in, shoving Leon out of his way. The three watched as he made some spectacular moves. As he left, clicking his fingers, they looked gobsmacked. "Holy shit!" they exclaimed.


	3. Volume 3

**The Radiant Garden Files Volume 3**

**The First Victims**

"Your eyebrow is crooked..." Leon grinned.

"GET LOST!" Cloud yelled hurling his sword at him. Leon ran off.

Yuna was in a lab, making a potion. "BOO!" Leon cried. In fright, Yuna mixed too much and caused an explosion in the lab. "Hey! How's the air up there, ya big-" Leon called to Riku. Using a new power, Riku hurled a rock at him. "**Stop** doing that, asshat!" he groaned.

"You deserve it." Riku replied.

"Hello, flower girl..." Leon called.

"Hello, Leon..." Aerith replied. "What the-?" she gasped.

"Behold the Wind of Despair!" he cackled.

"God, you're vile!" Aerith yelled, holding her nose.

"Hey, it's the Moon Lady!" Leon grinned at Paine. "Look what I found from the Christmas party." he announced holding a photo. She turned away in embarrassment. "Now that's what I call a Full Moon!" he chuckled.

"Hey, Cloud. Could you share some sake with me?" Sora began.

"Go away, Sora." he replied.

Using fire magic, Sora set it alight. "'Bye now!" he called. Leon snorted with laughter at Cloud's expression.

* * *

**The Remaining**

Leon, Tifa and Sora were drunk. "And then I..." Leon began. Tifa slumped on the bar. After a moment's silence, Leon and Sora grinned as Leon held some scissors.

"Wanna play some strip poker? I'll throw in a free pair of knickers if you win..." Kairi asked.

Leon thought and smiled. "You're on!" he replied. 10 minutes later, Leon was in his underwear. "You suck so much, Kairi..." he growled.

"MUNNY!" she exclaimed happily.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" yelled Cloud.

"But I can help you!" Rikku cried tackling him to the ground. "I can make you feel beautiful again!" she added. Leon quickly walked away in alarm.

* * *

**Storm's Talent**

"Hey Cloud! Look what I got for you!" Leon grinned. He was holding a monster by a leash.

"Very nice..."Cloud smiled.

"He has a power of wind, just like your Omnislash attack." he added. Suddenly they heard a loud noise, which sounded a lot like someone was passing wind.

"If this is some sort of sick joke..." Cloud snarled, holding his nose.

"I didn't mean **that** kind of wind!" Leon protested, doing the same. The monster looked relieved.

* * *

**Tifa's Sitar**

Tifa was practising on a new sitar she'd found. Yuna was writing on some paper. Leon suddenly unzipped his trousers. "Put that away!" Yuna cried, slapping him. Tifa turned with a puzzled look.

"What? I needed to compare something!" he protested.

"I don't want to know what you were comparing." she replied.

"Sure you do, cause Tifa's sitar...LOOKS LIKE A BIG BLUE PACKAGE!" he screeched.

"Huh, now that you mention it..." Tifa began.

"Well, it **is** based off the Nobodies' symbol." Yuna added, holding up a diagram. They looked at it. Tifa giggled, Leon snickered and Yuna chuckled.

* * *

**Ampallang**

Kairi looked at something. "Ampallang!" she exclaimed. "What?" Paine asked as she and Riku walked to her. "Ampallang." she repeated, holding a picture of the Nobodies' symbol. "I think she's losing her marbles." Riku whispered. "I think you might be right, Rik." Paine whispered back. "Ampallang." Kairi announced, pointing towards the computer screen. Riku and Paine looked at the picture on the screen and were horrified.

* * *

**Rumours in the Air!**

"So..." Cloud began. "Remember when you put that hank-I mean Yuffie's panties on your head?" he asked Leon, who was reading a paper.

"Yeah." he replied.

"And you called us bitches?" he continued.

"Mmhmm..." he replied.

"Yeah...You know, Leon, you'd **so** be my bitch if I was gay." Cloud smiled.

Leon put down the paper. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"You heard me...bitch." Cloud grinned.

"You've gotta be kidding me, Blondie! I could so put you over this table and have my way with you right now!" Leon yelled.

"Oh really?" Cloud asked.

"Hell yeah!" Leon nodded.

"Bullshit!" he snorted. "You're such a weakling, Scarface! You wouldn't have a chance!" Cloud yelled, tackling Leon to the ground.

"Oh yeah? Well you're so damn slow, Spiky, I'd be behind you before you even knew what was going on!" Leon cried. Roxas walked in.

"Slow? Why you little-!" Cloud began. He'd pinned him to the ground.

"Uh...we have company..." Leon began.

Roxas blinked. "OH MY GOD, IT'S TRUE!" he exclaimed.

"Wait, it's not what it looks like!" Leon protested. Roxas ran off screaming.

"Wait, what's true?" Cloud asked, dusting himself off.

"I'm not su-..." Leon began. Their mouths hung in horror when it sunk in.


End file.
